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Becka and I had sex this morning, but it was really really fast.  She seemed really aroused, but I felt a little bit disconnected.  I really feel like I'm losing interest in sex even though I'm needing it more.  

Today we meant for me to just drive her to the doctor's appointment, but in stead I did that and then we went to good vibes and then we went to my place because I wanted to drive having sex again and we'd agreed to try it out.  But around 12, she started to have a head ache so we waited about 2.5 hours and she said she felt better, but just wanted to go home.   We couldn't decide what to do and I cried. I'm feeling depressed and self-conscious and like I really need sex, but it's not so interesting.  Eventually we had sex, but it was exactly the same length although slightly more enjoyable for me and then we left.

After she finished work she called and I was feeling sad.  I've been feeling sad and clingy for a few days now.  I'm feeling like I wanted to take a break from being in a relationship, but Becka said that if I broke up with er, she wouldn't get back together with me unless I started an anti-depressant.  PLus I want all the things we've planned together and I want my future with her.   It's feeling rather complicated.

When she got off work, she called and offered to come by because I sounded upset. Then she said she was joking.  I was really upset by this.  I don't know if I want to talk to her tomorrow
Becka woke up, drove me home, then went to school.

I had driven to WCI when Becka called me to tell me that she was sick and had thrown up.  She said that she couldn't go home b/c her dad wanted her to stay at school, so she was going to go to the library.  I offered her to come park at WCI and I'd drive her to my apt and she could sleep there and I'd make her some soup.  We did that.  She had a fever of 99.5.  Around 3:00, she started pushing me to go home, but I'd said that if I could drive her home closer to 4:30, it would be easier for me to get to work.  She agreed, but then kept pushing, which really annoyed me.

Part of me had wanted to have sex, but I knew that she was sick and it wouldn't be a good idea.  I feel less interested in sex, but I feel like I need it more.

I drove her home and went to work.

While I was at work she called the police on her brother because he was having a tantrum and threatening to hurt himself.  Then she yelled at her parents.  Then we met up and she told me she just wanted to be alone and we had kind of a discussion which ended with her wanting me to come over, so I did.
Today was my day off and I spent it with Becka.

Things were mostly ok between us.

I got really upset when she tried my mother's cooking and she spit it out on the floor, but after that things were ok.

It was ince to spend the day with her, but other things kept going wrong (ex. I broke the washer and the dryer a little bit), so I was stressed out.  At the end of the night Becka felt to tired to drive home, so I offered to drive her home in her car and  take the bus back to brighton.  In stead I just stayed over.   I got really mad because her brother to her mom who told us that we can't come out of the room until 710, after the brother left.   I didn't want to leave the room that night, so I went to sleep having to go to the bathroom.  I woke up at 330AM and I had almost peed the bed.  I went to the bathroom, but I was mad.
Today was not the best day.

Becka's brother saw a post that I made on facebook and demanded that I take it down.  I commented on the post, wrote on my wall, called me, called Becka, showed his parents, and left a voice mail message.  All of these were inappropriate and if he'd asked me to take down the post I probably wouldn't have argued at all, but he demanded so I refused.  I was so mad that I felt sick and I was shaking for at least 30 minutes.  It interfered with my work and my driving.  On line he told me to stay away from his family. He arranged it so that I am not longer able to come into Becka's house.  In his voice message he accused me of "disrespecting" him and his family and taking advantage of his sister.  He claimed that he has been trying to respect me when in reality, he is the noe who was being rude to me the morning that I drove Becka back from northampton and he is the one being rude now.  And he is the one who takes advantage of his sister.  He is in the wrong and it made me so mad I couldn't stand it.  I was feeling sick because I was hungry and because I felt conflicted because I didn't want to Becka to be in the middle of all this ESP. on her first day of work but I also don't apologize when I don't feel I am in the wrong.  In the end I decided that I wanted to try to talk things out with Becka's mom then her dad, but in the end I only talked to her Dad because he was the only one there and he was like "Oh that's alright.  I didn't really care about it."  I gave him my phone number and email address for the mom, but I will talk to Dino.

That night I talked to Becka about it a little, but things are totally cool between the two of us.  We went to visit my friend Kiki and that was very cool.  Afterwards, we got in a discussion about drugs and I ended up revealing that I don't really feel comfortable with either of us doing them. We talked alot about why and why she wanted to do them and it came down to wanting to escape.  We also talked about her maybe being les involved with Summer's End.  I'd like he to have something of her own to indulge in, but I feel like summer's end pulls us apart, not solidifies our relationship.  But it's her choice and I'm really trying hard not to pressure he either way.

I try hard, but it's not always working.  I feel happy with Becka, but really really realy really angry with her brother and a little bit her mom, though  not as much.

Sep. 24th, 2011

Today was not terrible.  Work was long and a little tedious, but not terrible. It rained too much.  In the middle of work I called her to say that I love her and ask her if I can stop by after work.  I wanted to stop by and tell her that I was sorry about saying the things I didn't mean.  Towards the end of work Becka texted me that she couldn't go to my speakOUT training and I got very mad that she said it the way she did and that she texted it to me.  I slightly skirted the end of work and went to meet her.  When she came into my car we had a talk and I yelled because I was angry and she hadn't understood somethings that I meant, but in the end we came to an agreement that basically worked for both of us.  THen we went inside and we sat down on her bed to cuddle.  SHe knocked over one of the candle holders I'd give her and it broke.  Thi really upset her because we'd both had a really long day and she hadn't slept yet, so she cried and so I cuddled her and eventually she was calm and then we cuddled and talked and by the end of it I didn't feel as bad as before and she felt better too and eventually I went home.  On my way home I felt very relieved and happy.

Sep. 23rd, 2011

Today (thursday) was a weird day.

Feeling sad all day.  Things are gray and rainy.  I called Becka up and asked her if she wanted to come over after work so we could talk about our days and she said she really wanted to.  We talked about a lot of stuff including how I've been thinking about breaking up and that I talked about keeping a mood journal in therapy.  Then we hugged a lot.  Then I wanted to have sex and she didn't.  I said I couldn't sleep.  She started crying and told me sometimes we have sex when she doesn't want to and she zones out.  Over the courese of the night she figured out that it had only been once or twice, but at the times I was really mad and  I flipped a shit.  I was so angry and hurt.   I told her I'd never asked her to do that and I was so mad. We both cried for a long time and I said a bunch of things I didn't mean.  Then I felt like I had to leave the apartment and she wanted to come with so we went to this park and we talked and cried some more but the crying was less.  Thethe cops were searching for us with a flashlight so we lay down and waited for them to leave and then we ran away.  We went to 7 11 and we got donuts.  Then we talked a litttle more.  We said that she would have to tell me during foreplay if she doesn't want to have sex and she'll try to be present.  As it turns out, the one time she can remember doing it, i hadn't even asked her to have sex, so I don't feel like it was really my pressuring her that made her need to zone out.  But she says she does feel pressured for sex.  And I feel I do pressure her sometimes.  SO I'm trying to be more understanding.  We got to bed around 4AM

Sep. 22nd, 2011

 So Updates on my life since I can't sleep.   Or rather I couldn't sleep and now it's too late to sleep.

My girlfriend is wonderful.  I loves her.  We get along really well.  We fight like... a lot, but they're getting to be shorter and shorter fights.    I don't know if I ever coul have been with any one else, she's really so perfect for me.  Because of how she forgives my faults and is kind and sweet and interesting and loyal and weird and really cutes... mostly.    Just recently we decided we wanted to open a joint bank account for savings, but we can't because she has SSDI so we did it under only my name.  And hopefully, someday, she'll be on her own and we can both be on the account.  It's at TD bank because neither of us alrady has an account there.   Maybe it's a good idea and maybe it's not.   Who knows!
 My girlfriend thinks I'm "very very very very very handsome." :D


ugh, I'm a little too fat now


I've become really disgusted with how fat I've gotten since college ended.  I was losing weight, now I'm gaining it like nut.  I think I have to push through the pain and start the up again.   SO I'll do that.  We hope.  

See ya, Frank.

"The Fund for the Public Interest"

I was recently hired and fired by "The Fund for the Public Interest". I was a little annoyed until I found out that the unprofessionalism with which they treated me is actually routine for their organization.

My experience:

I found the canvassing job via craigslist. I thought, "Sure. I'm an activist. I have canvassing experience. That mind be a great summer job for me." I applied and within a few days, "based on my resume," I was asked in for an interview. When I got to the interview, I was greeted by a few young (and yes, hippie-looking) people as well as two giant 30-something warehouse employees who were also applying for the position. Now, I'm not saying these two people were less qualified than I, but I had the suspicion that the content of my resume had little to do with my being considered for the job.

I was interviewed and within a few days, I received an e-mail from "The Fund for the Public Interest" congratulating me on my employment with their agency as well as directions to their website. When I went on the website, I read that the hours would be 11AM-4PM, 5 days a week and that pay would be $350/week. SO far this was sounding pretty good and pretty straight forward.

When I called the Boston office, however, I was informed that my hours would be from 2PM-7PM. When I asked about this, they said they could switch me to the cambridge office where the hours were 11AM-4PM. An easy fix. Despite this minor setback, everything seemed to be going alright.

The first time I noticed something wrong was during the optional "Leadership Event" In inviting me to this event, they asked me to bring along all my friends and told me that it would be a causal, laid back atmosphere. Thankfully, I didn't think that sounded great and declined to ask anyone to tag along. There was nothing casual about the atmosphere. We were lectured for an hour and a half about what "The Fund for the Public Interest" does with out actually getting any solid information. In the middle of the event, we were all required to, with 5 minutes of training, go out on the street and canvass for a petition. I also learned that the hours would not be 11-4, but 8AM-5PM(or later, as late as 9). Despite this slightly unusual procedure and blatant dishonesty, I thought "Well, I could make it work for at least the summer."

When I got home, I started to read the employment papers we were required to sign. Apparently, in the event that the quota number of hours is not met, the pay drops to $8.00/hr, significantly less than before. I also learned that there are no sick days allowed and it is not possible to leave the job early on one day to see the doctor (even though many clinics, like mine, only remain open on weekdays from 8AM-6/8PM).

I arrived the next day at 8 AM and spent an hour waiting to get started. I was asked if I knew the "rap" and I did know some of it. Then the head of the office made the executive decision to skip all canvassing training and have us practice the "rap" for an hour straight. We then went off to our sites. By the way, the head director failed to mention to me that we needed Environment Massachusetts t-shirts, or to give me one at all. Canvassers and Managers alike were required to pay their own way to the sites.

At the site, my manager (who was actually very nice) gave me 2 minutes of training and a half hour of observation before having me start canvassing. The site was extremely low traffic and it was raining. The only person who gave me any money was some one who had worked for the Fund the previous summer.  I asked her if she wanted one of the job flyers and she said, "Oh no,  after last summer, I would never work for the fund again," and left.  After coming in just under my quota (which I was never told before hand), I was brought back to the office and was eventually dismissed in a very strange and wandering conversation.

At this point, I was a little pissed.  To have lied about my hours was bad enough, but to have wasted my time when I could have been seeking other employment? Not so cool. I think that the least they could do is be honest about their hours and tell prospective employees that their first day could be their last. (Esp. if they hire them as far as 3 weeks in advance.)

BTW, the "Fund for the Public Interest" is known by several names:
- The Fund for the Public Interest
- The Fund for the Public Interest Research
and in some (but not all) cases:
- Environment Massachusetts
- Environment California
- The Sierra Club
- US PIRG (any state PIRG organization)
If you are canvassing with any of these organizations, you are probably working for The Fund.

When I looked around anyone who'd found "The Fund for the Public Interest" to be dishonest, I found articles and complaints dating back to 2002 of their unfair treatment to their employees.  Ultimately, I think I should blame myself for having not researched the job thoroughly before putting all my eggs in one basket.

The Fund is Lying to you
The Fund For the Public Interest Research SCAM
Should I take this Job?
Rip-off Report: The Fund for the Public Interest Research 
Overtime Class Action Lawsuit filed against The Fund for the Public Interest Research.
Why the Fund, Public Interest Research Groups, and Grassroots Campaign Inc have gone so wrong for so long.



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